the feeling of freedom i thought i want did not come. instead, i'm feeling even more alone and more lonely... i really feel like i could break down... why is this so? :( :( :(


heart has been acting up very badly these few weeks... its difficult 2 sleep at night... sometimes, by bed time, i secretly hope that my heart could stop and let me go... sometimes... cos its really a struggle to fight against the pain, to fight against the disability to breath properly, to fight against the irregular heartbeat, to fight against the huge impact as if the heart wants to jump out from the chest, the pain caused by so many many of these strange heartbeats... these few night have been a very extremely bad struggle despite medication.. what should i do next.. fear is the only word to describe how i'm feeling now... fear... i have no courage to see doctor, no courage to go for an operation, no courage... no courage... no courage...