2day went to my sat meditation class. went earlier 2 help clean up the place. the cat that lives there finally know me le! yeah! it walk 2wards me when it saw me today and aloow me 2 pat it and it even play with me! yahoo! went sign up for chun hui's shi fu's de flowering class. will learn how 2 arrange flowers in due time. went home and well, yea...

yea. everything seems 2 be my fault. i'm under a lot of unknown pressure. sure, u might say that i'm self-pitying myself. maybe i am. but i'm seriously living in a lot a lot of pain. really very very hurt. so much so that i can't stop crying. i scold someone else under instruction, my fault. your health, my fault. all the arrows directed at me. i know u love me and yes! i love u loads! but can u pls spare a thought for me! y would i want u to go see the doc? cos i want u healthy and well! do u noe how much i worry bout u? i dun show it. but inside, the worry-ness is killing me!!! so much so that i even took a vow to suffer your pain for u as long as u can be well! i noe, its not right for me 2 take your pain on your behalf cos its your karma, and that if i were to fall ill you'll be worried and then it'll be my fault. but i can't help it! 2 see u grow weaker and weaker day by day! do u noe how much it hurts me?! yet, u simply push the blame for your illness on me! i noe, i'm partly at fault! but shouldn't u take a look at yourself too?! a few days running, a few days in a row. i can't take so much. everyday i see u, i feel as if u hate me to the core. like i'm 1 irritant in your life. u dun even wanna tok 2 me. all i can say its i'm really extremely hurt. u took another's words over mine and scold me over things that i've done right. u never noticed the 'victory' look on the other's face haf u. been tricked again and again. once a heart has been broken, its difficult 2 mend it back. real difficult.

sometimes, i wish that i can end this pain. thou i noe i can't. cos its wat i haf 2 go thru.

dun be surprise if i were to fall one day. thou i'm hurt, i'll still take your sufferings on your behalf. i still wanna let u noe that i still love u thou my heart is broken. i still dun wan 2 see u in so much pain. pls stand in a daughter's point of view and take a look at things. u haf been a daughter b4. i hope you'll understand.

finally, i apologise for whatever wrong doings i've done. i seek forgiveness. i'm sorry.

i will suffer in silence. only 1 or 2 will noe abt it. i'm still learning how 2 be happy and 2 disregard all anger and sadness. i have more to learn. learn how 2 apply family wise. if i can apply 2 friends, y not family? i cried. this means i failed. i'll try again. i will not let things turn me down. i will perservere cos happiness is really good.
i pray that my mum's health and my cousin health will be good. my cousin. at least let him be well till after exams. my mum, let her be well. i dun like 2 see her in pain, see her sick. no good. if i can, i'm willing 2 share their illness, 2 lighten their load a bit. pls juz let them be well. applies to my dad and my brother too. let them all be well :) of course, let me be well too :)

went to GIANT at tamp 2day with m parents... i was deeply remined of those times in poly for the MP period... miss choo bought some of us there and there was around 4 or 5 of us? and we had 4 full trollys full of food! all for the sake of the cafe. i juz remember all the fun we had back then, which turned into sadness after a while cos we were juz simply chased out of the cafe heartlessly by some ppl, whom even tried to treat us like 3 years old kids and attempted to brainwash us thereafter. but we were already like 19? some things juz wun work on us. we haf eyes -_- haiz, really miss my 'old' cafe where it was only run by us and 2 of our teachers. good times dun last long, but it last forever in the memories :)

nee nee birthday was a great success!!! haha! we had her tricked man! i bet our nose had grown 0.002cm longer! haha!!!
day started with me meeting shan to do up nee's card. shu jie showed up next, lastly aeng. nee came shortly after, but we weren't anywhere near giving her the gifts meant for her yet. off to k box! haha!
arrive k box a e hub. thou the card was signed by nee, the spokewomen kept looking at me when she talk. both nee and me felt so weird! haha! for once, we went into a larger room! filled with balloons! and 5 packets of party toys await us on the table. food was ordered cos we were juz too hungry!!! haha! cake was given free for birthday girl, but it was more like a cake ment for 10 when there was only 5 of us there. each of us had a very very big slice of the hard black forest cake. but better than nothing la. miss shan was there pigging away on the cake when none of us want to eat it le.
sang till 6.30. the package was suppose to end at 6 but i think they let us sing till 7 bahz. but we asked for bill early cos we had to leave for the surprise planned for hui nee.
lies were made. story is, i know of a dinner place at pasir ris end that serves very very good fusion food, so we were walking there from e hub. wei qiang was meeting us there. but we had to cut thru all the chalets to reach the place. while cutting thru the chalet, i juz nice go take notes from my fren who was in costa sand pasir ris M06. that was the place that the birthday surprise planned by nee's sister awaits.
nee was pleasently shocked but she did not cry! haha! but we had a fun night la. thou there was presence of some well, mouth not very nice de ppl but its ok! da ren you da liang, heck care la! all of us had fun i think. haha! hang ard till 11 plus then went home, fetched by huai wen with aeng, shan and shu jie.

for pics, look at my FB bahz :)

i've never felt this way. i cried cos i juz feel so guilty. i normally wun cry for such things but i broke down. i'll try my best 2 do watever i can. i realised, u have mis understood wat i wrote from my previous post. shall not explain here, will meet u 2 explain. pls pick up my call. 1 will do. thanks.